It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like September

They say its Christmas time but it’s starting to look a lot like September around here. September was such a depressing month for Me. I was coming out of a long-time frame of putting Myself last to put the bigger picture first. The bigger picture at the time being the tour and My clients. When the tour ended in July, I was in extreme burn out mode and left town to recharge.

While gone for most of the month of August, I had time to really look at My relationships and the things I had been doing to evaluate if they were best for Me. Many weren’t in My best interest. I decided to get back to My highest value, integrity. If a situation or relationship wasn’t in line with My integrity, it wasn’t for Me.

Coming home, I talked to all the closest people in My life about it specifically. I needed them to know that this was My new path. It took one phone call and one physical outing in September for Me to lose My so-called closest friend when I said she was out of integrity with what it means to be a friend. I was right, but she left and hasn’t spoken to Me since that day in September. I’m ok with that.

I don’t have a closest friend anymore, in fact I don’t even use the word friend anymore, I have associates, however, I see the same situation playing out but this time I recognize it.

See, I lost My closest friend because I dared call her out on being there for the fun, travel and luxury but ignoring Me when I needed a friend. For weeks, I talked about having My eyebrows done and how scared I was. It’s not a word I use often, not one of My friends took what I was saying half as serious as I took ALL their problems lol. For days I talked openly about how afraid of needles I was and having to have them in My face was freaking Me out, all I got were a bunch of “think of how pretty they will be”, “ I can’t wait to see your brows”, and “you’ll be okay”. Great things to respond to someone who says I’m scared. After the brow procedure which hurt like HELL, when I said no one was there for Me, I lost My closest friend. The other said “omg I didn’t know what you had to go through”

Since September 9th, I’ve been uncomfortable with the idea of trusting another female. There’s a few in My life that I feel comfortable talking to and expressing Myself around. They may not take it the best, but at least once they deal with processing what I said, we are able to move forward. Only people who you have tenuous relationships with can so easily walk off. I don’t think My best friend was My friend to begin with.

As I’ve been gearing up to have the other surgical procedures on My list, oral surgery and getting My tubes tied, completed, I gave up on having true support from the people I called friend. It threatened to send Me into a deep depression as the same thing started to happen. I tried to express My fear to people I thought would care, meaning the one family member and 2-3 female associates I talk to regularly. I was blown off, they were doing that “I can’t wait to see your new teeth”, “you’re going to be just fine” and things like “God got you.” It was so damn depressing. I wanted someone to here Me out, not shut Me up and invalidate My feelings.

I had two people set to go with Me for My oral surgery, one was returning the favor. I recently took a Tuesday, My busiest day of the week, to sit at the hospital while she had surgery. I also prepared and arranged My schedule in advance, coordinated with her to inquire about after care, offered to get her a ride if no one was available to take her, gave her money for food, weed and meds. I was happy she would just BE there with Me, she didn’t have to do anything but show up. (I’ve written before how much I realize that I set people up to let Me down because I make it so easy. Literally, all people must do is show up. I require so little of them. Surgery was in four days and as usual, on Sunday, I was attempting to get My weekly schedule in order. I reached out to her just to ask if she or the other person was picking Me up because as of that time, neither had made it clear and I needed to plan My week out. Her response was so abrasive that it caught Me off guard.

I had even apologized if My question seemed out the blue or off putting and told her that I was crying while typing. The way she made Me feel so small, like My concern wasn’t an issue hurt as if I haven’t been so afraid and with no one to talk to. Lord knows everyone around Me has their own problems After her reply I apologized AGAIN for upsetting her and went on about My day. The other person contacted Me saying it was Sunday and she had her calendar out and wanted to plan My pickup. All I could do was cry from the change in energy. I knew at that moment I couldn’t let the other woman go with Me. She had snapped at Me in one of My most vulnerable moments, causing Me to apologize twice for her snapping on Me. I’m two days post op as I finish this blog, she still hasn’t apologized though she’s continued to talk to Me as if nothing happened. I continue to talk back because shit, I never had a problem, I had a question and I’m a decent person. There’s no need for us to stop interacting, I just know I can’t rely on her in My weak or vulnerable moments.

Just like in September, after I suffered through that horrible experience of getting My brows shaded, I knew I had to go back for a follow up, the tooth procedure is the same. I will have surgery multiple times; it won’t be as bad going back because I know what to expect now. The one person who went with Me, went above and beyond and even spent two nights at the hose with Me to make sure I was okay. I’m super appreciative, I just wanted someone to emotionally and physically support Me up until the surgery.

It’s not the fault of My former best friend or anyone else who doesn’t hear Me expressing My fear, that I expect compassion. It’s Mine. There are so many levels to My trauma and ptsd that I know that no one will ever understand. I have the hardest time even going to the doctor because I feel ignored and unheard. Having a slew of invisible illnesses has not always worked in My favor. I used to have horrible premenstrual pain as a teen. Every month. I’d try to tell My mother how much pain I was in, how foggy My brain would get and how I could barely function. She’d ignore Me and send Me to school regardless. I’d get there and the school wouldn’t know what to do with Me. It was obvious I was in severe agony but had no symptoms that would warrant Me being taken to the ER. Every month, when I’d get My cycle, I’d spend half the day on the couch in My department leader’s office.

When My mom died while I was 17 years old, I ended up moving in with My dad and his family. My pains continued; I remember one time it got so bad that a relative finally took Me to a local hospital and left Me there saying “call Me when you’re ready to come back.” It took too long and I wasn’t released until almost midnight. I remember calling and calling the house (this was 1999) and getting no response. I barely knew the neighborhood, but I knew we had only driven about 20 minutes from the house. At midnight, I started that hour-long walk, weak and dehydrated, dazed and confused. I finally made it back to the house though.

Having surgery 10 times n 2010 I was just as alone. I’ve developed a serious anxiety around going to the doctor now. I have a few other unresolved health issues that I’m still trying to motivate Myself to be seen about. Mentally. I’m facing so many fears, internal demons and ghosts of My past by scheduling all these surgical procedures and doctor appointments. It’s no one else’s fault that I’m seeking someone to give the support and belief that something is wrong that I’ve been seeking since My teens.

I’m also cutting off people who don’t take My feelings into account when interacting with Me. I do not expect others to move like Me, but I do expect people who say they care about Me, to talk to and treat Me like they care about what matters to Me. I don’t think that’s asking much and it’s a boundary that must be set in place. I constantly over-extend Myself for others for will barely reach for Me when I’m falling.

I can’t form a smile yet, but I’m healing well from the dental implant surgery. I’m healing well from a lot of things. 2019 tested Me, but it sure didn’t break Me, instead, it strengthens Me. I’m a proud Ebony Warrior Goddess. 2020 I’m ready bring life on.