It Doesn't Even Feel Like My Birthday

When you realize the root of your behaviors, it’s easier to decide if you behave that way due to your own choices, or due to your pain, I think.

My birthday is fast approaching, and I have little enthusiasm about it. Honestly, I rarely have enthusiasm about it; I’ve had to pretend it was a big deal for years. Birthdays weren’t special days in My house, not for Me at least. Though there were three children in My home, we were treated very differently. Knowing that I was a keep a man baby and the man didn’t stay, I came to understand why My mom treated Me the way she did, eventually. Sadly, it was many years after her death so I couldn’t tell her that I at least understood why it was so hard to love Me when I was a representation of what she had loved and lost.

I have only ONE recollection of My birthdays during the 17 years My mother was alive in My lifetime, My 16th birthday. The previous day I had went on a date with My girlfriend. By the time I got home, I was punished. Someone had seen Me sitting on a girl’s lap and kissing her. My mom was furious I was out embarrassing her. She punished Me. The next day, when someone would call, she picked up and told everyone that I was punished but they could day happy birthday and would hold the phone to My ear.

She never missed an opportunity to humiliate Me.

Not one other birthday sticks out until I turned 38 years old, which was just a few years back. I will be 42 on August 18th. Each birthday for the past three years has been exactly what I thought I wanted that year.

• 38th birthday I went from a retreat in Mexico to Disney World for 5 days alone

• 39th birthday (2020) pandemic party of 5-6 in a suite at the Four Seasons on day 1. Day 2 consisted of a private cabana by the pool for 4 followed by a boat ride on a private yacht at sunset

• 40th birthday flew to Vegas for 7 days with close friends and My partner to see Usher concert and party

• 41st birthday small party at home with My closest friends and two lovers only

Of all the people who were in My life for the past 4 years, celebrations or just day to day life are now gone except one. Every year, I was going all out, creating birthday memories to replace the one traumatic memory I had from 16.

Every year, after My birthday I was more depressed. I was going all out to create memories with people who wouldn’t even be in My life the next year. This year, I haven’t made any birthday plans. I don’t want or need to. I realized that I accomplished My goal of replacing the only birthday memory I had, yet I don’t want to make memories with people I don’t want to remember.

I haven’t spent time with any “friends” this year and it’s the 8th month of year. I don’t see a reason to pretend that I have any locally. I get tired of avoiding My Facebook memories and seeing all the people who hung around for the benefits.

This year, I’ll probably get crabs and chill at home with My partner, the only person who has been here all year.